Friday, February 19, 2010

I think of Heaven and Billie Holiday.

Okay, so I'm blowing the whole plan by posting twice in one month. I don't really know what I'm thinking.

I almost went all of February without buying any music.  Then last night, Jake asked for 40s music and I thought of all the music that I wanted, but didn't have.  Billie Holiday, for example, who I love listening to and own only like . . . 3 songs?  That's despicable.  So I bought a 35-song $10.00 album, and I'm calling it a month.  I've just improved my quality of life by 3.9% for $10.00.  This is not an easy feat, my friends.

Have I mentioned lately that I hate money?  I just hate it.  Why can't everything be free?

I made my dad buy The Greatest Game Ever Played today because I wanted a new movie with Shia LaBeouf in it.  I butchered the spelling of his last name but couldn't stand it, so I got up to get a movie with his name on the front so I could correct it.  I find myself doing this a lot, knowing that I can't settle for 'Well, you know what I mean.'  Instead I really have to explain what I mean.  Also, the other day I was making waffles (shocker, I know) and a piece of waffle fell into the utensil drawer.  It would have been so easy to leave it there--it just would have looked like it'd fallen in there accidentally--and it was just a piece of waffle.  But I couldn't leave it there.  Sometimes, I test myself to see how long I can go with things like that, but I always end up doing the right thing--even when its something as little as cleaning up a small mess or correcting Shia LaBeouf's last name--because NOT doing the right thing is just too hard.  I'm a mess.  It's so innate in me, that it's strange to me other people don't always feel the same way.

Do you ever have to remind yourself that you're going to be okay?  I do, all the time.  In school, in friendships, with money, with everything.  In school, when I get really stressed out about a paper or a test, I have to remind myself that it doesn't really matter--that it's just one paper, or one test.  But then I'm so terrified that if I don't give a test or a paper my best ONCE that I'll fall into the habit and that I'll stop striving to do the best I can.  Then, again, I have to remind myself 'You're going to be okay.'  We were talking about this at the dinner table the other day, and Caitlin was saying she did the same thing.  Rachel and my Mom said they never really had that problem.  My Dad was silent.  I wonder what he was like.

Someone once told me that if you so much as desire heaven, it will be yours.  I strive to be good, not to get to heaven, but to desire heaven.  It made sense to me because as long as you desire heaven you're striving to live a life worthy of heaven.  Just like school.

We compare ourselves to other people.  We measure ourselves by what other people think of us.  It occurred to me a few weeks ago, when I was having a really hard time adjusting to being back at home, that even my family isn't fully aware of how I've changed, or the person I am.  They're still getting used to the person I've become since High School.  Sometimes, when I look through their eyes and see myself the way they see me, I judge myself too harshly because I never liked the person I was in High School.  I'm a better person now, and I have to remind myself that I'm going to be okay.  I have to remind myself that I need to be better, but I AM better than how they see me, and if they see me wrong, I can't judge myself by their approximation of the person I am.  I don't know if that makes sense.  What I'm trying to say is that you have to measure yourself by what you know of yourself--not what other people think they know of you.

I'm not who I was in High School, thank goodness.  My heart is just a little bit different.  I'm not as easy to manipulate.  I'm not as dramatic.  I'm a little more patient; a little more kind.  I have stronger opinions.  I am more confident, even if just by a little.  However, I can say that in High School I developed a love for people--a love so deep sometimes I get myself into the most awful ruts not knowing what to do.  That's not something I'm ever willing to give up.  I'll love people, I'll have faith in people no matter what.  Sometimes my faith is shaken.  I'm still a little skeptical of teachers sometimes, and I don't trust doctors or politicians.  I don't trust door-to-door salesmen, and I don't like telemarketers who hang up on you as soon as you say 'No, thanks' without so much as a goodbye.  Sometimes I'm not sure my elders understand me, and I don't always think they care about me.  But that's normal.  I can't say I hate a single person on this earth, and I don't think I ever have.  I think most people on this earth try to be good, even if they don't always succeed.  Sometimes people just get lost.

There wasn't so much different between you and me just a little while ago.  Why can't things be like that again?

Billie Holiday still plays in the background here, and I realize I still have to make Jake's playlist.  This should be fun.

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