Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Random Worries

I gave my presentation today.  It was a little frustrating because one minute in all the two girls in front of me did was watch the clock.  That's not very validating.  I wanted my presentation to be less about moving through my proposal and a little more about learning something new.  Well, I tried.

I really don't know what else to say about this.  I guess the idea is that I leave in 17 days and I should be preparing myself for that.  But what else is really necessary?  You don't care what I'm really going through because it has to connect back to my Field Study in some way, and so I keep going around in circles thinking of things to say without saying what I really need to say.  At this point EVERYTHING connects to the fact that I'm leaving the country, that I'm doing a field study, but...don't let me try to convince you of that.

That's alright. There's a time and a place, I guess.  But the longer this goes on, me saying nothing, the closer I get to spending this time on a n/a grade, which means that I'm just wasting my time.  Apparently I'm in a bad mood.  Just figured that one out.  Or cynical.  Maybe both.  I guess the problem is that I want to be happy about this, and I am, but it's been dragging out so long that I can't really be very excited.  Before I went to London I had a summer to work.  I don't even know if I'll get the loan I applied for.  And I am worried about money.  But when it comes to money I've never once wondered why I was doing this.  Money never seemed to be a problem--even though it is probably the second biggest problem after the fact that I HAVE NO WHERE TO STAY IN PARIS.  That's a big problem, right?  I think so, and yet here I am, 17 days away, doing nothing about it.

I want to care, but I don't.  Maybe I'll get in a car accident and so it won't matter and that's why I'm not worried.  That's morbid.


I'm going to miss my sisters.  I do miss my sisters, though the older I get the less I miss home.  London cured me of that.  I was so homesick by the end of London, and then I was home for 8 months and then I never felt homesick again.  Boy, what's Paris going to do to me?  I already have trouble missing people.  I think maybe I'm broken.  Old news, right?

Also, if I do find a place to stay, probably I'll end up never leaving my apartment.  Just saying.

I think I need to allow myself a movie a weekend.  Did I put aside money for that?  Probably not.  Am I going to do it anyway?  Yeah... I am.  When one is working, one cannot convince oneself they cannot afford everything one wants.  Unless it's a car, a house, or a baby.  I think I'll always be able to talk myself out of those.  A movie a weekend, and 2 food purchases a week out on the town.  Maybe.  It'll depend on whether I'm living with a host family or not.  (Oh yeah, worry #1, fun.)  Okay, but again I hate the word mitigate because I don't know right now how to fix these problems.  But I'm thinking about them, shouldn't I get SOME credit for that?

Something else I'm worried about?  My best friend.  I can't be happy, because if I'm happy she'll just remind me she's NOT happy...because her boyfriend leaves in 2 weeks, and we go to London in 2 weeks, and then she comes back to Provo which she's not happy about.  Okay.  Well, I'm thinking of a way to be a part of her life even if I'm off in Paris.  She's just feeling sorry for herself right now because she's not going off doing something cool, but these are choices she made for herself, and if they're right, then she's going to be fine, and she'll be doing good things, and they'll be plenty cool.  But I still worry about her.

I worry about who I'll be when I get back.  What my family will think of me, what others will think of me.  But mostly where I'll go after that and what my next adventure will be.  I'm afraid of being stuck somewhere or in the middle of something that doesn't make me happy.  So I like to plan adventures a little in advance.  I like to tell myself that something to look forward to makes me happier.  The truth is, it doesn't, it just makes me feel more useful and more interesting, which in turn makes me feel like I'm doing all of this to surprise people or to make people think I'm crazy rather than because it's something I think I ought to do for myself. That's an idea, hm?

Who knows what comes.  I'm thinking past Paris.  I still can't believe I'm doing this.

Well, welcome to some of my crazy worries.  They may or may not be here tomorrow.

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