Thursday, May 13, 2010


I just needed to say something, but I didn't know what to say.

I think I write most when I'm disappointed in myself, and willing to admit it.  I can never feel good about myself too long before something reminds me of how imperfect I am.  To be completely honest, I probably wouldn't be comfortable in my own skin if I were confident or comfortable with who I was--who I am, I mean.  If things were bright and dandy all the time, I'd wonder what was going on.

I always think confidence is so attractive in people; I love people who are confident.  I gravitate toward them.  I think sometimes people think I'm confident.  Oh, they're wrong.  But I'll let them believe what they like.

Here's the thing: when I was in High School I went through this phase in my life where I cared about EVERYTHING.  I felt like if I cared about one thing I had to care about everything passionately, and DO something about it.  I used to care about my country, I used to care about my friends, about my religion, about making people happy and impressing them and doing something worthwhile and effective and constructive.  It nearly drove me out of my head.  As time went on, I came not to care about anything unless it was easy to care about.  And now I don't care--I don't care about anything.

Sometimes, when your head knows what it wants, it has to force your body to just go through the motions so your heart will care again.  I want my heart to care again.  I've let down a lot of people--especially my friends, and I think my family too, and I think God.  I'm working on the God part, and I think little by little maybe everything else will fall into place.  I just stopped putting any effort into anything and I felt like I needed saving until I realized that there's no one here.  No one here cares enough, or knows enough about what I'm going through to save me--and really, why should they have to?--so I told myself, 'You're just going to have to do it yourself.'  Funny.

I don't feel sorry for myself--I think I need to clarify that.  But you know when you're stuck in a rut and you feel like the only thing you need people to care about is the only thing they're not asking you about?  And you can't TELL them--that would defeat the purpose.  But, you know if they asked, you'd probably just cry.  I'm not ready to answer any of those questions right now, and I'm just not confident enough with myself to admit the answers anyway.  Or sometimes there are certain people you wished cared, and they just don't and it's like someone is trying to send you the message, 'They're not right for you right now' and you keep hanging on thinking, 'No, I can make this work.'  But you can't.

Well, that's what I've been thinking about lately.  I'm trying to make my heart care again.

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